Part 1: Every Single Possible Universe in the Entire Infinite Multiverse, Listed (Trump)

Note: This is the first part of a never-ending series.

David Lewis's concrete modal realism contends that there are infinite worlds that exist as actual, separate universes. According to Lewis, every universe that we can possibly imagine exists as a concrete reality. In one world, everything is the same as in ours, except that Earth's gravity is twice as strong. In another, grass is blue. In another, you are 1/8 of an inch taller. Etc, etc. Except for unsatisfying appeals to Occam's Razor, metaphysicians have never been able to present any conclusive arguments against this concrete multiverse.

There are infinite worlds, and I'm going to catalogue them all. I plan to spend ten minutes everyday coming up with worlds centered around a daily theme. Today, my theme is Donald Trump. There is a world in which everything is exactly the same as in ours, except that...

1. There's no Trump.
2. There are only Trumps.
3. Everyone is Trumps except for one single non-Trump hero.
4. You are Trump.
5. Everyone is Trump for one day of his or her life. You don't know when that'll be until you just wake up one day as Trump.
6. Everyone is Trump for one day of his or her life, and Trump gets to be you for one day of your life.
7. Trump's name is actually Blrump.
8. You are a Trump supporter.
9. You are a Blrump supporter.
10. Trump is 8 feet tall.
11. Trump is 4 feet tall.
12. Trump is made out of gold, as if he were just touched by King Midas but survived.
13. Trump is Midas.
14. Trump is a Midas Car Care Center employee.
15. Trump wins the presidency.
16. Trump wins, and there's no color green.
17. Trump doesn't win in 2016, but that's just because he has always been the president, serving a lifelong term.
18. Trump wins the presidency and turns government into a reality show, but no one watches.
19. Trump can't the letter T.
20. Trump can pronounce the letter T, but his voice goes really high and squeaky like he just swallowed a lot of helium. Whenever he says his own name, his voice goes really high and sueaky like he just swallowed a lot of helium.

Dear Nash

Dear Nash, 

This is Nash from the not-too-distant past. I just wanted to write you a note reminding you of your decision to not see the Star Wars movie when it comes out. Like you-me from the current-present says, it will probably be a perfectly good movie, but you just don't need to spend part of your life with it. You don't need to spend any psychic energy thinking about pre-release buzz, watching any of the trailers, scrolling subreddits about hints and whispers and marketing department sanctioned leaks from the set, or tweeting lazy halfjokes about how Wait, Chewbacca's in this?! etc. You can just keep going on with life casually unaware of any hot news from the Star Wars universe, smilingly indifferent to it when you accidentally run into effluence from Disney Corporation Presents Star Wars at Target. 

You should spend all of the time and energy you would have expended on Star Wars writing and creating yourself, coming up with your own cool ideas- really just adding things to the total store of the human experience, rather than simply passively receiving content rolled off the assembly line of Disney Co's commercial capitalist automatons of mass consumable content. 

When people tell you they saw the film and liked it, share in that happiness. When people tell you they saw the film and hated it, commiserate with them. But, on this, September 5th, during the year of our Lord 2015 at 5:30 PM, you decided to skip it. It's not Taking a Stand so much as Just Sitting This One Out. You don't have a good reason not to see Star Wars, you just don't have any good reasons to see it. So don't.

Please read this in your Ice-T voice,
Nash

Junior year of college, I had to stay a day after everyone else to take an exam because I was overbooked during exam week. That morning, I fell out of my lofted bed. My roommate had moved out already, so my clock, which had been on his microwave, was ~8 inches lower than normal. When my alarm went off, I reached for my clock, and kept reaching, and kept reaching, until I lost my balance and fell out of my bed. But the way my room was set up, there was this small gap behind my bed. I fell into that gap and scraped my head the length of my wall.

It was pretty funny. I started laughing the second I hit the floor. Then I passed out.

I'd lost a lot of blood. Like, there were foot-long swatches all down the wall. And a pool of blood beneath me. I woke up, called a friend, and got to the hospital. I got enough stitches to keep my face together. And then I took my exam, and left UNC.

I was telling someone about this incident recently when I suddenly realized: I'm pretty sure I never cleaned up the blood. Like, 100% certain. I was on a lot of pain killers. And my RA had already cleared my room for the summer. Homie wanted to zip outta Chapel Hill asap. So he "inspected" my room the night before. Then he signed the papers and zoomed.

No one would've been in there over that summer. The next time anyone would've seen that room, it would've been the RA showing it to the next dude who lived there. Oh my gawd.

"Welcome to Alderman 109. Nash Kuene? Kuhn? Keune? Krune? Nash Kuhn lived here last year [opens door and sees BLOOD STREAKS] AND MURDERED PEOPLE APPARENTLY AHHH!"

That was ~5 years ago, but I just now realized I never cleaned that room, and that the dude who lived there next definitely had to see my murderhouse blood stripes up and down his wall.

To whoever had to deal with that, I am so sorry.

I was on a lot of painkillers.

I'm secretly in love with you

There was a ~3 week period during my senior year of college in which, whenever I hugged anyone, I'd whisper "I'm secretly in love with you." Or I'd whisper it when I said goodbye to people, as they turned to walk away.

But no one ever responded. Either they didn't hear me, or they did and were just like OK, cool, whatever. So the joke petered out.

Still, though, there is a chance that like a dozen UNC people are walking around today thinking I was in love with them in 2010. To those people: I am so sorry for the confusion, but I was not in love with you. Nor am I currently in love with you now. No one is in love with you. No one has ever loved you. You are fundamentally unlovable. 

50 Cool Facts About Game of Thrones

To celebrate the premiere of season 38 of Game of Thrones this Sunday, I've compiled 50 of the coolest facts about the show. No Spoilers!

1. The show is based off a series of novels by George R. R. Martin, which is itself inspired by the War of the Roses, a struggle for control of the British monarchy which lasted from 1455-1487.

2. While people imagine that a 32 year, island-spanning civil war must have ravaged the country and claimed countless lives, in reality the Britain of 1455 had a population of just 73, and only 25 of them were actually concerned with dynastic succession. In total, only two people died during the war: one Duke died in a skirmish when his opponent slashed his gillywickets (giving birth to the popular British phrase "got him in his gillywickets!") and an Earl died of natural causes.

3. The titles of the books in Martin's series: Game of Thrones; A Song of Ice and Fire; A Storm of Swords; Command and Conquer; Kings, Kastles, and Kool Dudes; The Phantom Menace; The Terror of Tiny Town; and A Song of Ice and Fire (Martin forgot he'd already used this one).

4. The books and show are known for graphic depictions of sex among a decadent aristocratic class. There's rampant homosexuality, prostitution, incest, polyamory, etc. This ubiquitous free love is loudly protested in the books by the hideously bigoted Westero Baptist Church.

5. The story of the War of the Roses was elevated to legend by four early Shakespeare history plays, which were themselves loosely based off of Holinshed's chronicles.

6. The show inspired a recent South Park episode. But I like to imagine the alternate reality where the whole chain of cause and effect is reversed: an episode of South Park was expanded to an HBO series which was novelized in serial and then inspired a few Shakespeare plays which a historian memorialized which led to a 32 year war. Imagine that!

7. People often wonder what the "R. R." stands for in George R. R. Martin. It actually stands for "Reagan Republican." Not only is Martin a hero of passable fantasy fiction, he's also very civic-minded. So much so that he legally changed his middle name in 1988 to celebrate Reagan, his fave pres! Neat!

8. I mean, seriously, goddamnit HBO- you spend infinite money on a sprawling epic with unparalleled production values and it's NOT the Kingkiller Chronicle? It's this schlock?! Tha fuck!

9. Some people are afraid of the breadth of the GoT world. Geez, there are 42 characters! But don't be intimidated- there are only 7 different personality traits split between them (including one that's just "dragon") so there really isn't that much to remember!

10. One of the most popular characters on the show is the charismatic midget Tyrion "Tiny Ty" Lannister.

11. Tyrion is played by the immensely talented Peter Dinklage. Dinklage is actually regular normal person height- all of his sets and scene partners are just twice as tall to make him seem smaller.

12. The first time I was told about it I misheard, so for a full day I walked around thinking it was called the "Bread Wedding." Don't they have bread at most weddings though?! I thought dumbly.

NFL Winners and Losers, Week 1 UPDATED

Every week, some dudes win and some dudes lose. That's just how it is. Welcome to the NFL, rookie. No participation trophies here. So here are my Week 1 Winners and Losers so far. Some of these will obviously make some of you mad and some of you will disagree with me, but I call em as I see em.

Winners: Seattle Seahawks, Atlanta Falcons, Minnesota Vikings, Pittsburgh Steelers, Philadelphia Eagles, New York Jets, Cincinnati Bengals, Buffalo Bills, Houston Texans, Tennessee Titans, Miami Dolphins, Carolina Panthers, San Francisco Forty Niners,  Seattle Seahawks, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals

Losers: Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, St. Louis Rams, Cleveland Browns, Jacksonville Jaguars, Oakland Raiders, Baltimore Ravens, Chicago Bears, Washington Redskins, Kansas City Chiefs, New England Patriots, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, Indianapolis Colts, New York Giants, San Diego Chargers

An Exciting New Project!

Hi everyone! I want to share some deats about a coolnew coolfun project I'm starting! You see, I just realized I'm still registered to vote in North Carolina, which is in the middle of a very contested Senate race. Now, I live in Chicago, and I registered as a Libertarian, but I think I can still vote (probably absentee). In the normal course of events I wouldn't because voting's for nerds and the idea of democratic efficacy terrifies me since it implies moral culpability for the habitually heinous sins of the American government. But this election, I'm opening up the democratic process to YOU, The People! My pitch is simple: I'm creating a different Kickstarter in the name every candidate on the ballet, YOU will give money to the Kickstarter representing whichever candidate YOU want me to vote for, and the Kickstarter that gives me the most money will get my vote! There's no limit to the size or number of contributions you can make, so get donating! See you at the poles!

A Note on the Recent Name Change

I changed the name of this unupdated, unread blog because I was sick of having to explain the old name (ImPravda= Improv+Pravda; Pravda=Truth; Del Close: "Truth in Comedy') to you dumbies. I changed it to Buzzfeed because I assume that the whole internet is going to be Buzzfeed soon so I might as well be an early adopter.

Not a sermon, just a thought on Gaga

Israel/Palestine is a tough issue, on which reasonable, well-intentioned people can disagree in equal good faith. With that in mind, here are my thoughts on the situation:

There are heroes on both sides.
Evil is everywhere.

In a stunning move, the
fiendish droid leader, General
Grievous, has swept into the
Republic capital and kidnapped
Chancellor Palpatine, leader of
the Galactic Senate.

As the Separatist Droid Army
attempts to flee the besieged
capital with their valuable
hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a
desperate mission to rescue the
captive Chancellor....

My Definitive List of the Top 20 Numbers Between 1-20

1. 7

Seven. The number of completion. Seven days in a week. Seven Deadly Sins. Seven Cardinal virtues. Isn't seven the most magically powerful number? Seven Dwarfs. That movie Seven. The accomplishments go on and on. But that's not all there is to seven. Seven is a style. Seven is an attitude. Seven knows what's it's done. Seven knows what it can do. But does Seven brag? Does Seven broadcast itself? No. Seven just chills at the end of the single digies next to 6 and 8 as if 6 and 8 were even the same goddamn species. Seven, man. G.O.A.T.

2. 13

Thirteen is the big surprise of the top ten. Three always seemed like a lock for this coveted two slot. But, though thirteen doesn't get involved in many projects, every one of them is great. The Number of Death seemed like a huge get for thirteen, but it has lived up to the opportunity. Few numbers could be handed something like The Number of Death and execute it so well yet stay so humble. Thirteen's humility is part of its cunning- you never expect thirteen until it's too late. 

3. 3

Three partisans will claim a bias or mistaken tally. If this were just a list based on accomplishments, then yes- three would easily be two. But the problem with three is its obviously needy boastfulness. Really three- you've got to be third?! 1 and 2 are so insufferable- shouldn't that show you that you're probably in a bad neighborhood.

4. 4

The first even. Easily the best even. The even that every even wants to be and secretly thinks it is, or will be if just a few things go right. But there's a reason that four is the king of evens: four-letter words, Four Horsemen, Four Gospels, etc. etc. You forget that it's an even sometimes (and, frankly, it barely is- it's only divisible by two after all). 

5. 11

Eleven is probably the coolest. Just sheer coolness- it's cooler than seven. It's also the founder of the most chic family: 33, 44, 88- Jeebus are you kidding me?!

6. 5

Five is a workhorse. It's not glamorous. It's too busy for that. Harvey Mansfield is heavily invested in five.

7. 20

Twenty is fine. Twenty is important. You have to admire twenty. Just like five, with slightly more glamour but slightly fewer accomplishments.

8. 1

One. Yeah, I know. Do we even have to talk about one?!

9. 17

Seventeen is quiet. Seventeen mostly just bathes in the reflected glory of seven. And well, seven is so f cking great that just being related to seven is enough to land you in the top ten. Plus, seventeen is prime.

10. 10

Look, I respect you ten. But your essentialness makes you bland. Too functional to be glamorous, too bureaucratic to be charismatic, too powerful to be beloved. 

11. 15

Fifteen defines mediocrity. It's marooned somewhere between the islands of usefulness and stylishness so it's really neither.  It's too readily divisible. It's nothing.

12. 9

Nine is the Manic Pixie Dream Girl of numbers. It thinks that quirkiness counts as a full freaking personality. Maybe in an earlier, simpler time, nine's weirdness might be alluring. But weirdcore is far too mainstream to be interesting anymore. 

13. 14

Fourteen is okay but I mean what sets it apart from 16 or 18? It's related to football stuff I guess whatever. 

14. 18

Eighteen gets credit for being the age of majority in America. So people can buy cigarettes and porn (?). And people can vote. But Voting is for Nerds.

15. 16

Sixteen is there and it's bland. Numbers are arbitrary metaphysical products we dream up- so why do we invent such boringass numbers? C'mon math.

16. 6

Six kinda sounds like sex...? Like if you repeat it ten times fast. Remember that from 4th grade?

17. 8

Eight. Great. Late. Date. Nate. Wait. Fate. Spate. Mate. Hate. Annihilate. Masturbate. "Don't discriminate- miscegenate!" There are other rhymes but that's about it.

18. 19

Goddamn nineteen.

19. 12

I always forget that twelve exists until I run into it again and I'm like, "Oh, right, twelve is here. I forgot twelve existed. Hunh. That's chill for twelve I guess.'"

20. 2

Two's big sin is that it starts the pattern of evenness, it inaugurates divisibility and divisibility means unoriginality. Two thinks it's so cool. Well, hey two- one divides into twice as much stuff as you. Get off your high horse two! You think you're hip because you're Prime. But your Primeness is really just a technicality, which is somehow even worse than divisibility. Die.